Miscellaneous

Need To Eat On The Go? Here Are The Best And Worst Foods To Eat While Driving

Miscellaneous

Mike Krumrei is an accomplished writer, former journalist and participation trophy recipient. Despite not driving a vehicle for several years, his theoretical knowledge of the practice allows for a more fluid discussion of the finer points of almost any vehicle including cup holders and vanity mirrors. During his brief driving career, the first car he was in that started on fire was a 1990 Ford Taurus.

Before we get into this too deeply, let me start by admitting, it has been a number of years since I have actually driven an automobile. I used to do it all the time. In fact, there was a time where I functionally, lived out of my vehicle. I have observed some things over the years that I have found distressing. Mostly it involves my friends and family making just terrible choices of food to eat while driving. I have only attempted many of these things in theory, but my expertise in eating while walking and extrapolating obscure facts of a dubious nature, (read: making shit up as I go) should prove more than adequate for these purposes.

What does it take to successfully eat while driving? I suppose we should define the parameters of our experiment. Are we looking for nutrition? Someone should, but not here today. Are we simply trying to just get food into our face holes? This seems like a more attainable goal than solid, healthy nutrition. On top of actually being able to get food into our mouths, we should probably also factor in the ability to keep that shit off of our clothes, lest we are simply throwing decorum right out the window. With that, we’ll use a simple five-point scale, with one point being a disaster and a five being best case scenario. Let’s get to the experimenting!

Worst Foods To Eat While Driving

Chinese food (2 stars): If this is the kind of decision making you are doing on a daily basis, how are you still alive? Using movie cliche rules, you would have to balance a flimsy cardboard container and chopsticks AND get slippery greasy food from point A to your mouth. This can’t be done in a conventional automobile. Save yourself the time and just dump it on your lap. Then eat the egg rolls in shame.

Burgers (1.5 stars): On the surface of things, a burger while driving would seem like the quintessential food to eat while driving. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. The burger is the culinary honeytrap of traveling foods. Anything worth your time to eat is going to be slathered in enough grease to be able slide Kim Kardashian’s ass through the narrowest of openings. If the burger you’re eating doesn’t fall in this category, why are you wasting your time?

Soup (-5 stars): What are you, some kind of hero? Just stop.

Best Foods To Eat While Driving

Burrito (4 stars): Knowing where to get a proper burrito you can eat while driving is equally as important as your choice to jam one of these monsters in your face. When done correctly, the burrito is a self-contained meal and can be quickly consumed without taking your eyes off the of road too much. However, a real shitty burrito is a recipe for disaster on an automotive front as well as a gastrointestinal one.

Candy Bars (3.5 stars): If you have simply given up on your day and you are wearing sweatpants to find something to eat, you are probably getting a shitload of candy bars anyway. Cracking a couple open for the ride home isn’t going to hurt your pride anymore than it already is. What is important about choosing candy bars for dinner is the brand you get. Get a Snickers and be a winner. Leave with a fist-full of Milky Ways and you’re an asshole.

Pizza by the slice (5 stars): How could this get any easier? Fold that mother up like a Hot Pocket and win dinner. The key to successfully eating pizza while driving is making sacrifices to practicality. The real key to being able to eat pizza while driving is to not get greedy. Never get extra cheese while eating in the car. That same chewy napalm feeling you get at home has more severe consequences at 80 mph.

Anything not listed here would be considered a wildcard food item, thus CarDebater.com is not responsible.

 

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