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Cadillac Calls 2015 Escalade “The Cadillac Of Escalades”

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It’s a known fact that Cadillac owners are special chosen people. I’m not even mad about it. I love being on the outside, looking in at things I can’t have like Charlie Bucket with his nose pressed up against the candy shop window. I stared at the Elmiraj concept at the Chicago Auto Show for like a half hour, just watching it spin slowly in a circle of cold, unattainable beauty. When the product specialist got in there to talk about it I was livid and refused to listen to a word she said. Get out of the circle of light, truth and splendor! I thought as hot, angry tears sprung to my eyes, You don’t belong! Knave!

So, I get it. But have you seen the official page for the 2015 Cadillac Escalade? If I’ve been gleefully sipping the Kool-aid, whoever wrote that copy has been mainlining it. Which makes enough sense since they work for Cadillac, but seriously. It’s pretty intense. It goes there.

It’s a redesign, and that’s totally exciting and everyone’s real happy and warm about it. As they should be. They lead with this whole, like, profile of a photographer who comes in and shoots the process of making the Escalade and falls madly in love with it the way she used to fall in love with rock stars and somehow that’s not sad and she gets mad inspiration from the headlamps to make some sculptures for the big photo shoot and yeah. Great. Real neat.

Then it starts getting kind of insane. First they call it “THE CADILLAC OF ESCALADES.”  Which is pretty clever, really, and might have even come off as sort of fun and playful until you realize that they are dead serious, and just getting warmed up. There’s a frustrating video of a good-looking couple who just keep driving around this runway like they’re about to do something daring, yet classy, but never do, and text next to it that includes this doozy: “The epitome of interior, exterior, and performance artistry. All monumental standards that promise to keep it on the pedestal it richly deserves.”

2015 cadillac escaladeThe epitome of performance artistry.

Next, they prattle on about the interior for a minute and how they use wood and leather that’s so good you’ve never heard of it you poor thing, and then they flop this one out onto the table: “SCIENCE AND ART PROUDLY DISPLAYED IN A SINGLE MUSEUM.”  It’s not even a vehicle now, just a salon where the upper crust of society can come together and appreciate beauty and grandeur. Side by side.

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They bust out the big gun, though, just after the father-son clay sculptors and their custom tools are highlighted. That’s when they call the 2015 Escalade “THE 420HP GATED COMMUNITY.”  There it is, finally. It’s almost refreshing to see them just come on out with it, just fully inhabit the unapologetic dick they’ve been coyly silhouetting all this time, and mercilessly hose us all down with it.

It’s at once appalling and banal. They’re basking in the greatness and exclusivity of their product, which everyone already knows to be great and exclusive. Its an exercise in equal parts self-aggrandizement and redundancy.

Also, I want one.

Melissa is a writer from a nice wooded area. Her first ride, if you don't count the albino pony, was a 1981 Dodge Diplomat. It had only two doors despite being the size of a barge and a spacious three-person bench up front.

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3 Comments

3 Comments

  1. Dugan Nichols

    Mar 4, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Well, that “escaladed” quickly.

  2. Aaron Schinke

    Dec 30, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Escalade.

  3. shrek

    Dec 30, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    not escalade.

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Car WTFs

The Most Interesting Aspects of the Dodge Demon

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Many of us thought that the Dodge Challenger Hellcat was about as intimidating as a car could get. After all, people couldn’t hardly get them off the lot without crashing them when they first came out. Then Dodge upped the ante with the new Demon. But aside from the raw power, there are some other interesting aspects of the new Demon.

Check out the video below for a full rundown of just how unique this car is.

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Car WTFs

Mercedes Names May Be Getting More Confusing

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Think you finally have your Mercedes names mastered? Well, a new challenge appears to be coming, friend.

How to now identify Mercedes models by name

Some moves in the northwoods of Canada by the brand appear to signal a change in the naming conventions that will be used for Mercedes and AMG models. Candian trademarks have been filed for  A 40, CLA 40, SLC 40, SLC 50 and GLE 50 in addition to CLA 53, G73 and S73.

If this proves true in the states, it would signal an end to the rule of two digits for Mercedes, three-digits for AMG counterparts. The new world would be two digits, ending in a “0” for Mercedes, and two digits ending in a “3” for AMG. This supports rumors of  an AMG ‘73’ model with a hybrid powertrain.

While this change isn’t terribly difficult to comprehend, it certainly makes things interesting when comparing legacy and upcoming Mercedes models. There are a lot of numbers to keep straight, and a lot of explaining to do. And the letter and number combos leave something to be desired in terms of cachet.

Oh, it’s got cachet baby!

It makes one appreciate the simplicity of giving each vehicle an actual name, like the domestic manufacturers do. Sure, that’s how we ended up with the Chevy Nova, but what are you going to do? There are only so many names, surely one for an automobile would end up meaning “no go” in some language, right?…

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Car WTFs

What’s with Toyota’s weird shifter pattern?

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"What's the Toyota's weird shifter pattern?" image of 2011 Toyota Camry shifter

I like my car. It’s a 2011 Toyota toaster, I mean Camry. If you made a list of everything a car has to do, the Camry would check all the boxes. It gets me from point A to point B with the consistency a learning golfer would envy. It’s a toaster. You put in the bread, choose your level of toastiness, push down the thingy and then wait for it to pop up. But there is one interesting thing about my car. The shifter. That’s it up there. That is definitely not conventional at all. So, what’s with Toyota’s weird shifter pattern? (more…)

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