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Lord Voldemort Returns In A 2015 Jeep Renegade

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Lord Voldemort dies at the end of the Harry Potter series. No, he does more than die. After his last Horcrux is destroyed and the Elder Wand fails him by returning his own killing curse, the Dark Lord disintegrates into stone and dust before blowing away in the wind, seemingly destroying any trace of his physical being.

Now, proper Internet etiquette would require me to precede those comments with a prominently placed SPOILER ALERT!!!!, but recent evidence has come to my attention that leads me to believe He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is alive and well.

Stay with me here.

I have a theory that Remus Lupin is working with Lord Voldemort in a plan to start the third Wizarding War while also doing some promotional work for the 2015 Jeep Renegade.

Say Voldemort staged his death like 2pac and Elvis and he had another Horcrux out there — where is the last place we’d look for him or his Horcrux? The Muggle world.

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Voldemort’s not the most tolerant dude and he didn’t hide the fact that he was not a big fan of us non-Wizarding folk, but he undoubtedly would hide among us to protect his final Horcrux and bide his time as he returns to full strength.

So why would he waste his time promoting Jeep’s new compact utility vehicle? Because the specific model that was unveiled at the Geneva Motor Show is Lord Voldemort’s 8th and final Horcrux.

It’s the perfect plan. When the Jeep Renegade arrives at dealerships early next year, there will be thousands in dealership showrooms, garages, and on the road, leaving us clueless as to which one is the actual Horcrux.

From the moment I laid eyes on this stubby little Jeep, I knew it was up to no good, but I had no idea it was part of Voldemort’s soul until I watched the official unveiling video. Using CarDebater’s state-of-the-art age-accelerating software, I was able to determine that Mike Manley, President and CEO of the Jeep brand, is actually Remus Lupin, known werewolf and former member of the Order of the Phoenix who also was thought to be deceased.

lord-voldemort-horocrux

Lupin and the Dark Lord reveal the eighth Horcrux.

But that deception is just the tip of the iceberg. At the time of this writing, the Jeep Renegade reveal video has about 18,500 views, and until now, no one has realized Lord Voldemort himself is driving the Jeep Renegade when it first rumbles center stage at the 8:27 mark in the video. If you stare through the windshield and into the eyes of the barely mortal Tom Riddle, you can see a striking resemblance to the Voldemort we thought to be vanquished. Not only in his physical appearance, but also his mannerisms.

Although I was in shock at this revelation, I continued to listen to Manly (Lupin) talk only to find more evidence. Around the 9:12 mark, you’ll hear Lupin say the Renegade was crafted in America and assembled at the Malfoy Assembly Plant. As in Lucius Malfoy, notorious Death Eater and a supporter of the Dark Lord.

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With the recent news or Google error that the 2015 Jeep Renegade will cost just $18,595, the roads may be flooded with Renegades in less than a year, making it nearly impossible to identify the final Horcrux and destroy Voldemort once and for all.

We have just months until the the 8th Horcrux is lost in a sea of chubby little Renegades and we’re all doomed to the fate of the Avada Kedavra curse.

 

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Brian is a writer focusing on the automotive world. After running his 2000 Ford Taurus into the ground, he fell head over heels for a 2013 Mazda3, because Skyactiv Technology. Duh.

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Arturo

    Jun 13, 2020 at 11:41 am

    I’m just happy I found this.

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Ford Continues to Please Minivan-Skeptic Soccer Moms

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Ford Aerostar Minivan Exterior Does Ford Still Make

If the words Aerostar, Windstar and Freestar mean anything to you, you know that Ford is responsible for some of the best minivans ever made. Beginning with the first model Aerostar in 1986, Ford’s snub-nosed minivan set the standard of what would be created by automotive manufacturers in this class for decades.

The Aerostar was also the first minivan in the United States to feature upgraded, luxury packages. With an XLT package, and Eddie Bauer trim levels, the Ford Aerostar allowed drivers to bring passengers, cargo and more in style. For the first time, drivers could take advantage of the versatile and reliable minivan platform, without sacrificing comfort and convenience.

Does Ford Still Make a Minivan?

The Aerostar continued in the mid-90s as the Ford Windstar. The Windstar was a complete reinvention, shifting the drivetrain from RWD to FWD, and bringing the flagship minivan more in line with current minivan design. The Windstar became the Freestar in the early 2000s, lasting until the 2007 model year, with the final Ford “Star line” minivan rolling off the assembly line in December of 2006.

While we don’t know for sure what was behind Ford’s decision to discontinue their family-marketed minivan, we can take a guess. For starters, Ford has extended their reputation for reliable cars and trucks into the crossover market. With options covering a wide range of size and seating configurations (everything from the subcompact Ford Ecosport to the boxy family hauler Ford Flex), crossovers have become the new favorite for family vehicles.

Ford’s versatile crossover line has a vehicle that can meet almost any need. Do you have a small family? Go with the popular 2018 Ford Escape. Big family with lots of stuff to haul? The 2018 Ford Expedition has your back.

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Although crossovers and SUVs provide some distinct advantages (presence of AWD, higher ground clearance, and uni-body construction), the market for minivans hasn’t completely died, and neither has Ford’s commitment to providing drivers with a competent and compelling option.

Good News: Ford Still Makes a Passenger Minivan

ford transit connect passenger van in solar color_oAlthough Ford’s marketing has shifted toward promoting their incredible range of crossovers and SUVs as family choices, they still offer a more traditional minivan in the Ford Transit Connect Passenger Wagon. Utilizing the same body construction as the Ford Transit cargo van, the Transit Connect Passenger Wagon features up to 7 seats, and plenty of standard safety and comfort technology.

Lower ride height (easier in and out), sliding doors and greater visibility are among the reasons people still prefer vans for transporting their families. Additionally, the more contoured shape of most crossovers (not looking at you, Ford Flex) means that vans provide better cargo room! Family of four traveling cross-state with three suitcases? A Ford Explorer should be a great option.

Family of six, with a dog and 10 bags going cross-country, however, and the Ford Transit Connect Passenger Wagon starts to look a lot more up to the job.

Ford has a sterling reputation across the spectrum of vehicles they manufacture. Although the Transit Connect Passenger Wagon isn’t among their more well-known, it’s among the most competent and best value options in the minivan class.

 

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I Wasn’t Always a Dale Jr Fan – But Now I Get It

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It was the crowning moment of the career of Nascar’s most popular driver. The 2004 Daytona 500. The chosen son, Dale Earnhardt Jr, had won the race that his father tragically died competing in only three years earlier.

Reports of the day say that everyone in the crowd was on their feet, cheering. Grown men were in tears. It was quite the moment, they say.

Well, I can tell you that there was at least one person that wasn’t cheering. That’s because I was that lone defector. (more…)

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The Essence Of 90’s Chevy Truck Commercials

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If you ever watched television for more than an hour at any time during the 90’s, you probably remember Chevy’s “Like a Rock” commercials. They aired on just about every channel, so they were pretty hard to miss—and pretty hard to forget as well. Even two decades later the sound of Bob Seger belting out those now-famous words is still shockingly memorable. (more…)

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