During the buildup to this, the most super of all the bowls in all the land, even the most sportsball-averse citizens among us are pretty helpless to avoid the sort of soggy thinkpieces and misplaced sanctimoniousness that can singlehandedly keep the entire Clydesdale-breeding industry in the black. Have a look here at Russell Wilson, who overcame his chronic itty-bittiness and a wife-fucking teammate (Allegedly!!) to lead his team to the game’s grandest stage! And over there, Patriots quarterback and erstwhile UGG model Tom Brady is enjoying another quiet moment with his Peyton Manning voodoo doll!
But then there’s Marshawn Lynch, a Skittle-powered, gold-grilled wrecking ball of a running back for whom phrases such as “That’s just (person’s name) being (the same person’s name)” were created, and who famously prefers to let his game (and an occasional hoodie) speak for him. His teammates and fans love him, while a bellicose media competes for Lebowski-esque morsels such as, “I’m just about that action, boss…. Ain’t never seen no talkin’ win me nothing.” That is, you see, just Marshawn being Marshawn.
And what could a man who just gets so overjoyed with each touchdown that he grabs his dick and balls in the direction of the vanquished possibly add to an automotive website? Well, there’s this: