Comparisons

Which Of The Square Vehicles Out There Is Sponge-Worthy?

Comparisons
@WesLungwitz

Wes grew up around cars at the family business. He makes no attempt to hide his love of early 90s GM products, and still repents selling his sweet '94 Pontiac Sunbird a few years back.

If you are even a casual fan of Spongebob Squarepants, then you probably know that the show’s subject has had a heck of a time earning his driver’s license. While Spongebob likely has some mental limitations that lead to this, I maintain that there is another reason altogether – he’s driving a boat with wheels on it…at the bottom of the ocean.

spongebob boat

You try driving a boat with wheels.

I understand the water element of the show. Therefore a boat makes sense. But again, it has wheels, and it surely isn’t floating, so it’s not offering any of the advantages that a boat normally would. So I figured, why not set Spongebob up with a proper ride – something that was made to run on wheels? Sure, the engine would seize in minutes underwater, but it’s about as likely as driving a boat that for some reason can’t float.

And what better ride for a guy like Spongebob Squarepants than one of the square vehicles offered on the market: the Nissan Cube, Kia Soul or Scion xB.

But which one is sponge-worthy?

 
Kia Soul
Nissan Cube
Scion xB
Price
$15,695$17,570$17,725
Engine1.6-liter four-cylinder1.8-liter four-cylinder2.4-liter four-cylinder
Weirdly SquareYesYesYes
Available in YellowYesNoNo

Nissan Cube

2014 nissan cube

The Nissan Cube might have the best look for under-the-sea driving. The windows have a circular, almost bubble look to them. And the wrap-around window on the back may look strange to the land-lovers among us, but it actually provides an ideal unobstructed view of the ocean when driven underwater.

The price of the Cube is in between the Soul and the Scion, making it a good middle option. Same with the engine, which isn’t overpowering – a good thing for a guy that’s been known to drive a little reckless at times.

Kia Soul

Kia soul yellow

The lower price tag of the Soul might make the decision easy for Spongebob. After all, we know that old Mr. Crabs isn’t paying him much of a wage – and he often volunteers to work for free. With a starting price of $15,695, the Soul is around $2K less than the other options out there. And the smaller 1.6-liter engine is perfect for an inexperienced driver like Spongebob.

A true selling point on the Soul is that it is available in yellow. This would put Spongebob right at home – and the Soul looks a lot better in Spongebob yellow than Toyota’s lame attempt with the Highlander. Plus, the Highlander is too much vehicle for him.

Scion xB

scion xbIf Spongebob is looking for the most square of the bunch, the Scion xB might just win out. Plus, it looks weird enough to blend right in on the ocean floor. And have you seen the people that drive Scions? Even on land, it wouldn’t be all that strange to see something that resembled a sea-dwelling organism emerge from a Scion.

With the highest price tag and most powerful engine, the Scion xB might not be the best option for Spongebob. But those that like being different among the rest of us might be intrigued.

Winner of the CarDebate:

The best option for Spongebob Squarepants is the Kia Soul. It’s affordable, not too powerful and comes in yellow. It also would look great parked next to an enormous pineapple.

 

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