Lord Voldemort Returns In A 2015 Jeep Renegade

The Dark Lord Hides in Plain Sight at Geneva Motor Show

Lord Voldemort dies at the end of the Harry Potter series. No, he does more than die. After his last Horcrux is destroyed and the Elder Wand fails him by returning his own killing curse, the Dark Lord disintegrates into stone and dust before blowing away in the wind, seemingly destroying any trace of his physical being.

Now, proper Internet etiquette would require me to precede those comments with a prominently placed SPOILER ALERT!!!!, but recent evidence has come to my attention that leads me to believe He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is alive and well.

Stay with me here.

I have a theory that Remus Lupin is working with Lord Voldemort in a plan to start the third Wizarding War while also doing some promotional work for the 2015 Jeep Renegade.

Say Voldemort staged his death like 2pac and Elvis and he had another Horcrux out there — where is the last place we’d look for him or his Horcrux? The Muggle world.

Voldemort’s not the most tolerant dude and he didn’t hide the fact that he was not a big fan of us non-Wizarding folk, but he undoubtedly would hide among us to protect his final Horcrux and bide his time as he returns to full strength.

So why would he waste his time promoting Jeep’s new compact utility vehicle? Because the specific model that was unveiled at the Geneva Motor Show is Lord Voldemort’s 8th and final Horcrux.

It’s the perfect plan. When the Jeep Renegade arrives at dealerships early next year, there will be thousands in dealership showrooms, garages, and on the road, leaving us clueless as to which one is the actual Horcrux.

From the moment I laid eyes on this stubby little Jeep, I knew it was up to no good, but I had no idea it was part of Voldemort’s soul until I watched the official unveiling video. Using CarDebater’s state-of-the-art age-accelerating software, I was able to determine that Mike Manley, President and CEO of the Jeep brand, is actually Remus Lupin, known werewolf and former member of the Order of the Phoenix who also was thought to be deceased.

Lupin and the Dark Lord reveal the eighth Horcrux.

But that deception is just the tip of the iceberg. At the time of this writing, the Jeep Renegade reveal video has about 18,500 views, and until now, no one has realized Lord Voldemort himself is driving the Jeep Renegade when it first rumbles center stage at the 8:27 mark in the video. If you stare through the windshield and into the eyes of the barely mortal Tom Riddle, you can see a striking resemblance to the Voldemort we thought to be vanquished. Not only in his physical appearance, but also his mannerisms.

Although I was in shock at this revelation, I continued to listen to Manly (Lupin) talk only to find more evidence. Around the 9:12 mark, you’ll hear Lupin say the Renegade was crafted in America and assembled at the Malfoy Assembly Plant. As in Lucius Malfoy, notorious Death Eater and a supporter of the Dark Lord.

With the recent news or Google error that the 2015 Jeep Renegade will cost just $18,595, the roads may be flooded with Renegades in less than a year, making it nearly impossible to identify the final Horcrux and destroy Voldemort once and for all.

We have just months until the the 8th Horcrux is lost in a sea of chubby little Renegades and we’re all doomed to the fate of the Avada Kedavra curse.