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Nissan ‘Self-Cleaning’ Car Is Not As Badass As It Sounds

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I still have vivid memories of my first pair of Dockers stain-defender pants. I sported those pleated khakis everywhere, and challenged just about anyone with a cup of water to try and deface them. An untold amount of man hours were devoted to testing the quality of those pants, and through it all—as promised—those bastards endured. Even when the kid that despised me and my idolized slacks dumped a cup of boiling hot lukewarm tap water on my crotch, I laughed in his stupid face as it beaded up and pooled on the floor. I was the fuckin’ man.

That was ten years ago.

In the last decade, the appeal of the stain-defenders has since vanished, and while the once-coveted pants still inhabit the shelves of department stores nationwide, the simple fact is that no one gives a shit about the science behind them anymore. No one but Nissan, that is.

Nissan declares that they’ve developed the world’s first “self-cleaning” car. The term alone elicits images of a badass cruiser straight out of a sci-fi movie, but before you get too aroused, let me throw a little hot water on your crotch.

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The self-cleaning car can’t even clean its own windshield.

The “self-cleaning” car does not magically scrub itself on command. There are no miniature soap-shooting cannons. There are no water-ejaculating sprinklers. And there are definitely no ShamWows attached to Inspector Gadget arms that emerge from the undercarriage. No, my friends, there are none of those things.

Instead, the so-called self-cleaning car has a paint coating that repels water, dirt and debris. Pretty revolutionary, you know, seeing as the issue of bird shit and dead bugs on your windshield still has to be addressed the old-fashioned way. Yes, manual labor is required to keep the self-cleaning car clean. Keep in mind that this comes from the company which claims to offer “Innovation That Excites.”

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The “innovative” paint coating would be exciting. I’ll even go as far to say that it would be fuckin’ life changing—if and only if, Dockers didn’t have such a long-standing history of defending stains with similar technology. But, they do, and for that reason, the self-cleaning car is nothing but a stain on the pants of all that is good in this world.

I can already see myself loathing the innumerable amount of people who will go out of their way to demonstrate the liquid-repelling paint coating with a shaky YouTube video, however, as the Nissan self-cleaning car is currently just in the prototype phase, I am able to suspend my inevitable hatred for those people. For now, all we have is the video below, where you can watch as a half-coated Nissan Note tackles vicious brick roads and defends against the attacks of a couple microscopic puddles.

John is a full-time automotive blogger who digs cars, but also spends a disturbing amount of time watching and reading about movies. His first car was a maroon 1993 Buick Skylark which, after a solid seven-year run, was laid to rest in August of 2013. He currently writes for phantomcopy.com.

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Anonymous

    Jun 30, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    Wax?

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Ford Continues to Please Minivan-Skeptic Soccer Moms

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Ford Aerostar Minivan Exterior Does Ford Still Make

If the words Aerostar, Windstar and Freestar mean anything to you, you know that Ford is responsible for some of the best minivans ever made. Beginning with the first model Aerostar in 1986, Ford’s snub-nosed minivan set the standard of what would be created by automotive manufacturers in this class for decades.

The Aerostar was also the first minivan in the United States to feature upgraded, luxury packages. With an XLT package, and Eddie Bauer trim levels, the Ford Aerostar allowed drivers to bring passengers, cargo and more in style. For the first time, drivers could take advantage of the versatile and reliable minivan platform, without sacrificing comfort and convenience.

Does Ford Still Make a Minivan?

The Aerostar continued in the mid-90s as the Ford Windstar. The Windstar was a complete reinvention, shifting the drivetrain from RWD to FWD, and bringing the flagship minivan more in line with current minivan design. The Windstar became the Freestar in the early 2000s, lasting until the 2007 model year, with the final Ford “Star line” minivan rolling off the assembly line in December of 2006.

While we don’t know for sure what was behind Ford’s decision to discontinue their family-marketed minivan, we can take a guess. For starters, Ford has extended their reputation for reliable cars and trucks into the crossover market. With options covering a wide range of size and seating configurations (everything from the subcompact Ford Ecosport to the boxy family hauler Ford Flex), crossovers have become the new favorite for family vehicles.

Ford’s versatile crossover line has a vehicle that can meet almost any need. Do you have a small family? Go with the popular 2018 Ford Escape. Big family with lots of stuff to haul? The 2018 Ford Expedition has your back.

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Although crossovers and SUVs provide some distinct advantages (presence of AWD, higher ground clearance, and uni-body construction), the market for minivans hasn’t completely died, and neither has Ford’s commitment to providing drivers with a competent and compelling option.

Good News: Ford Still Makes a Passenger Minivan

ford transit connect passenger van in solar color_oAlthough Ford’s marketing has shifted toward promoting their incredible range of crossovers and SUVs as family choices, they still offer a more traditional minivan in the Ford Transit Connect Passenger Wagon. Utilizing the same body construction as the Ford Transit cargo van, the Transit Connect Passenger Wagon features up to 7 seats, and plenty of standard safety and comfort technology.

Lower ride height (easier in and out), sliding doors and greater visibility are among the reasons people still prefer vans for transporting their families. Additionally, the more contoured shape of most crossovers (not looking at you, Ford Flex) means that vans provide better cargo room! Family of four traveling cross-state with three suitcases? A Ford Explorer should be a great option.

Family of six, with a dog and 10 bags going cross-country, however, and the Ford Transit Connect Passenger Wagon starts to look a lot more up to the job.

Ford has a sterling reputation across the spectrum of vehicles they manufacture. Although the Transit Connect Passenger Wagon isn’t among their more well-known, it’s among the most competent and best value options in the minivan class.

 

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I Wasn’t Always a Dale Jr Fan – But Now I Get It

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It was the crowning moment of the career of Nascar’s most popular driver. The 2004 Daytona 500. The chosen son, Dale Earnhardt Jr, had won the race that his father tragically died competing in only three years earlier.

Reports of the day say that everyone in the crowd was on their feet, cheering. Grown men were in tears. It was quite the moment, they say.

Well, I can tell you that there was at least one person that wasn’t cheering. That’s because I was that lone defector. (more…)

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The Essence Of 90’s Chevy Truck Commercials

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If you ever watched television for more than an hour at any time during the 90’s, you probably remember Chevy’s “Like a Rock” commercials. They aired on just about every channel, so they were pretty hard to miss—and pretty hard to forget as well. Even two decades later the sound of Bob Seger belting out those now-famous words is still shockingly memorable. (more…)

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