Oh, The Ladies. You sure are a tough nut to crack. With your varied backgrounds, ideas, and preferences spanning the whole of human experience, it’s nearly impossible for your poor suitors to know what type of vehicle you, The Ladies, might prefer your gentleman callers drive.

Luckily, the folks over at Insure.com have made significant strides in unraveling the mystery by conducting a survey of “2,000 licensed drivers age 18 and over, split evenly between men an women and divided across age groups and regions” to find out what vehicles are percieved to be driven by attractive people. Note: They don’t appear to have asked which vehicles will necessarily make someone attractive, but rather, which vehicles do attractive people drive? Already. Incidentally.

Turns out, the women surveyed were in pretty heavy agreement:

“Attractive men drive black Ford pickup trucks.”

Really? Yes, and here’s why, according to the executive editor of cars.com, Joe Wiesenfelder:

“Among the general public, a black pickup truck is a reflection of a masculine owner. A woman walks up to a black pickup truck and says to herself, ‘Here’s a guy who can help me move, bring me large gifts from Crate & Barrel and do repairs around my condo.’”

The accuracy is astounding. That is exactly what I do when I “walk up to” a black pickup truck. Because I do that a lot. And it’s during those times when I just can’t keep my imagination at bay. Moving house, $1,000 chairs I did not ask for, and my shit is breaking and I don’t know how to fix it. Hot, hot, and hot.

Now, if you can’t swing the black stallion of sex appeal that is the Ford F-150, you should at least know what The Ladies do not want to see you driving. First up:

“Attractive men do not drive mail trucks.”

Correct. I mean, does he not have anything better to do than cruise around opening people’s mailboxes? Gross. Amiright? He probably doesn’t even have a job.

When asked to weigh in, Jessica Caldwell, senior analyst at Edmunds.com, offers up another piping hot tip for the guys:

“‘I would think twice about dating a guy driving a VW Beetle, or anything labeled a chick car,’ she says. ‘Telling your friends, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend drives a VW Beetle,’ that would be very humiliating.’”

Don’t get it twisted: Chicks love Beetles; That’s why they’re chick cars. But a man driving one? Gag me. Where’s he going to put the grizzly bear carcass after he wrestles it to the ground in my honor? Humiliating is right.

But that’s only half of the findings. Men have preferences, too, you know.

Listen up, Ladies

According to the “online-panel” of 1,000 men, hot chicks drive red BMW sports cars. Sounds legit. After all, men tend to love red BMW sports cars, so it would make good sense for them to want a partner who shares their interest and aesthetic sensibilities. Right? Right, Joe Wiesenfelder?

“As a single man, that’s attractive to me,” he says. “I don’t want to carry the entire relationship.”

Ooh, well. Yeah. There’s also that. Especially after you’ve already carried all the damn furniture.

“BMWs are also known for performance, he observes. They feature quick and very responsive handling. That indicates a woman accustomed to hairpin turns, who would not accuse him of driving like a maniac should he take the wheel of her BMW and test it on a long winding highway.‘There’s nothing worse than a woman with motion sickness,’ he says.”

Absolutely. That pinpoints so precisely the appeal of a female sports car owner: She won’t throw up all over when you drive it. Nothing worse. High five.

And what’s an unattractive lady-mobile, then?

“For women, green minivans are date-killers – men rank these last as vehicles that attractive women drive.”

This one’s probably the most surprising, considering all of the minivan-driving women out there who are single and looking to be taken out. You’d almost think they had some other reason for purchasing a 17-foot vehicle. You’d be wrong though. They’re just bad at dating.

The Takeaway

So what have we learned today about the hearts and minds of our potential love matches when it comes to vehicular preferences? As with so many things, in the end it comes down to self-awareness:

“‘Your car always reflects something about you,” says Wiesenfelder. “You don’t always know what, but it must reflect something.’”

Indeed. You don’t always know.