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Hundreds of Brand New Jaguar and Land Rover Vehicles Await Their Demise Aboard a Tipping Ship

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Melissa is a writer from a nice wooded area. Her first ride, if you don't count the albino pony, was a 1981 Dodge Diplomat. It had only two doors despite being the size of a barge and a spacious three-person bench up front.

First the Earth ate a bunch of Corvettes, and now the sea is drinking Jaguars. Not to be outdone by the dirty old land, the water has chosen to mock us for our excesses by attempting to claim some cars of its own. And by some I mean 1,400.

The Hӧegh Osaka is a 51,000 ton autoliner that was traveling from Southampton, UK en route to Germany when it developed a severe list (That just means it started leaning in one direction, but you know how ship people are –  they need a completely separate word for every perfectly good word that could be used to name or describe a thing. Because screw you, land-dwelling simpletons, you and your dumb dry words).

So it started leaning and they were like, “Uhhhhhhh, this sucker needs to be way more upright for this to really work out” so the crew deliberately grounded it on a sand bar in the Solent (a strait that separates mainland English from the Isle of Wight which, based, on the name, almost definitely has a frolicking centaur population), got themselves rescued, and now a salvage team is trying to figure out how to recover the ship and its contents.

About those contents. A representative from Jaguar Land Rover says about 1,200 of the vehicles are theirs, and the rest are Minis. And they’re probably all totally screwed now no matter what. Back when this happened to 4.703 Mazdas in 2006, every single one of them had to be scrapped. Even the ones that weren’t waterlogged, because selling them or even giving them them away without knowing the full effect of bobbing around sideways for the better part of a month is not the sort of liability you want to take on, no matter how many zero mileage Miatas you have to crush.

To sum it up, an incredibly labor- and cost-intensive mission to rescue a bunch of beautiful, brand new vehicles is going to happen, followed by the almost-certain destruction of said vehicles. There is no bright side, justice, or hope for a better tomorrow.


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