10 Minicars Pretty Much Undoubtedly Guaranteed To Paralyze Or Kill You


John is a full-time automotive blogger who digs cars, but also spends a disturbing amount of time watching and reading about movies. His first car was a maroon 1993 Buick Skylark which, after a solid seven-year run, was laid to rest in August of 2013.

There are a lot of tightwads out there willing to do just about anything to save a couple of cents at the pump, and they can usually be found behind the wheel of a minicar, as the small cars offer some of the best fuel economy ratings of any gas-exclusive car on the market. Well, it turns out that those minicars not only have high fuel economy ratings, but high death rates, as well.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety recently ran tests on 11 minicars and subjected them to their new small overlap front test which mimics what would happen if 25 percent of the car’s front end were to come in contact with a tree or utility pole at 40 mph. Only one minicar, the 2014 Chevy Spark, was able to pull off an “acceptable” rating in the test. The other ten minicars scored either “marginal” or “poor” which essentially translates to “paralyzing” or “deadly.”

10. 2014 Ford Fiesta


Overall Performance: Paralyzing

Poor Ratings: 1/7

Out of the ten terribly-performing minicars, the Fiesta was the least shitty. The crash test dummy suffered only “acceptable” and “good” injuries. Sure the restraints scored poorly, but overall the Fiesta’s performance was marginal, and that’s enough to qualify the minicar for the coveted “paralyzing” rating.

9. Toyota Yaris


Overall Performance: Paralyzing

Poor Ratings: 1/7

The Yaris didn’t do too bad, either. If you come in contact with a tree when you’re behind the wheel of one it’s likely that you’ll spend a couple of days in the hospital, but who gives a shit. With all the money that you’ll save on gas by switching to Yaris, those hospital bills ain’t no thang.

8. Mazda 2


Overall Performance: Paralyzing

Poor Ratings: 1/7

Despite the fact that it hasn’t been updated in what seems like decades, the Mazda 2 performed surprisingly adequately. The only poor rating it had involved lower leg and foot injuries. So, if you’ve always been jealous of the people in wheelchairs cutting lines at amusement parks and want to personally experience that sensation, the Mazda 2 is the car for you.

7. Kia Rio


Overall Performance: Paralyzing

Poor Ratings: 1/7

Getting 37 miles to the gallon is so worth being wheelchair-bound 4 lyfe.

6. 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage


Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 3/7

This is where shit starts getting deadly. The only Mirage going on here is that this car is going to protect you in any way at all.

5. Nissan Versa


Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 3/7

You thought you were so cool telling everyone at the last family gathering that your car could get 40 miles per gallon on the highway. Did you also tell them that your dumb, shitty little car also boasts an extremely low survival rate? Oh, yeah, must’ve slipped your mind.

4. Hyundai Accent


Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 3/7

If you hit a tree with the Hyundai Accent, there’s a damn good chance that it’s the last thing you ever do. It’s also likely that you would be found covered in sap because the front end apparently just disappears during crashes.

3. Toyota Prius C


Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 4/7

If you value your life, you shouldn’t be driving this car.

2. Fiat 500


Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 4/7

Just look at that picture. One does not simply walk away from impacts like that.

1. Honda Fit


Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 4/7

If you’re ever behind the wheel of the Honda Fit, it’s highly recommended that you stay far away from trees and utility poles because if you hit one, you will die. There is absolutely no fucking doubt about it.

Game over.


View Comments (1)

1 Comment

  1. What a hack

    Mar 27, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    So, you use a picture of the only sub compact car to NOT make the worst list?? Wow.

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