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10 Minicars Pretty Much Undoubtedly Guaranteed To Paralyze Or Kill You

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There are a lot of tightwads out there willing to do just about anything to save a couple of cents at the pump, and they can usually be found behind the wheel of a minicar, as the small cars offer some of the best fuel economy ratings of any gas-exclusive car on the market. Well, it turns out that those minicars not only have high fuel economy ratings, but high death rates, as well.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety recently ran tests on 11 minicars and subjected them to their new small overlap front test which mimics what would happen if 25 percent of the car’s front end were to come in contact with a tree or utility pole at 40 mph. Only one minicar, the 2014 Chevy Spark, was able to pull off an “acceptable” rating in the test. The other ten minicars scored either “marginal” or “poor” which essentially translates to “paralyzing” or “deadly.”

10. 2014 Ford Fiesta

2014-ford-fiesta-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Paralyzing

Poor Ratings: 1/7

Out of the ten terribly-performing minicars, the Fiesta was the least shitty. The crash test dummy suffered only “acceptable” and “good” injuries. Sure the restraints scored poorly, but overall the Fiesta’s performance was marginal, and that’s enough to qualify the minicar for the coveted “paralyzing” rating.

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9. Toyota Yaris

2013-toyota-yaris-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Paralyzing

Poor Ratings: 1/7

The Yaris didn’t do too bad, either. If you come in contact with a tree when you’re behind the wheel of one it’s likely that you’ll spend a couple of days in the hospital, but who gives a shit. With all the money that you’ll save on gas by switching to Yaris, those hospital bills ain’t no thang.

8. Mazda 2

2013-mazda-2-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Paralyzing

Poor Ratings: 1/7

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Despite the fact that it hasn’t been updated in what seems like decades, the Mazda 2 performed surprisingly adequately. The only poor rating it had involved lower leg and foot injuries. So, if you’ve always been jealous of the people in wheelchairs cutting lines at amusement parks and want to personally experience that sensation, the Mazda 2 is the car for you.

7. Kia Rio

2013-kia-rio-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Paralyzing

Poor Ratings: 1/7

Getting 37 miles to the gallon is so worth being wheelchair-bound 4 lyfe.

6. 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage

2014-mitsubishi-mirage-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Deadly

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Poor Ratings: 3/7

This is where shit starts getting deadly. The only Mirage going on here is that this car is going to protect you in any way at all.

5. Nissan Versa

2014-nissan-versa-sedan-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 3/7

You thought you were so cool telling everyone at the last family gathering that your car could get 40 miles per gallon on the highway. Did you also tell them that your dumb, shitty little car also boasts an extremely low survival rate? Oh, yeah, must’ve slipped your mind.

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4. Hyundai Accent

2013-hyundai-accent-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 3/7

If you hit a tree with the Hyundai Accent, there’s a damn good chance that it’s the last thing you ever do. It’s also likely that you would be found covered in sap because the front end apparently just disappears during crashes.

3. Toyota Prius C

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Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 4/7

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If you value your life, you shouldn’t be driving this car.

2. Fiat 500

2013-fiat-500-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Deadly

Poor Ratings: 4/7

Just look at that picture. One does not simply walk away from impacts like that.

1. Honda Fit

2013-honda-fit-small-overlap-front-test

Overall Performance: Deadly

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Poor Ratings: 4/7

If you’re ever behind the wheel of the Honda Fit, it’s highly recommended that you stay far away from trees and utility poles because if you hit one, you will die. There is absolutely no fucking doubt about it.

Game over.

 

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John is a full-time automotive blogger who digs cars, but also spends a disturbing amount of time watching and reading about movies. His first car was a maroon 1993 Buick Skylark which, after a solid seven-year run, was laid to rest in August of 2013. He currently writes for phantomcopy.com.

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. What a hack

    Mar 27, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    So, you use a picture of the only sub compact car to NOT make the worst list?? Wow.

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Ford Continues to Please Minivan-Skeptic Soccer Moms

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Ford Aerostar Minivan Exterior Does Ford Still Make

If the words Aerostar, Windstar and Freestar mean anything to you, you know that Ford is responsible for some of the best minivans ever made. Beginning with the first model Aerostar in 1986, Ford’s snub-nosed minivan set the standard of what would be created by automotive manufacturers in this class for decades.

The Aerostar was also the first minivan in the United States to feature upgraded, luxury packages. With an XLT package, and Eddie Bauer trim levels, the Ford Aerostar allowed drivers to bring passengers, cargo and more in style. For the first time, drivers could take advantage of the versatile and reliable minivan platform, without sacrificing comfort and convenience.

Does Ford Still Make a Minivan?

The Aerostar continued in the mid-90s as the Ford Windstar. The Windstar was a complete reinvention, shifting the drivetrain from RWD to FWD, and bringing the flagship minivan more in line with current minivan design. The Windstar became the Freestar in the early 2000s, lasting until the 2007 model year, with the final Ford “Star line” minivan rolling off the assembly line in December of 2006.

While we don’t know for sure what was behind Ford’s decision to discontinue their family-marketed minivan, we can take a guess. For starters, Ford has extended their reputation for reliable cars and trucks into the crossover market. With options covering a wide range of size and seating configurations (everything from the subcompact Ford Ecosport to the boxy family hauler Ford Flex), crossovers have become the new favorite for family vehicles.

Ford’s versatile crossover line has a vehicle that can meet almost any need. Do you have a small family? Go with the popular 2018 Ford Escape. Big family with lots of stuff to haul? The 2018 Ford Expedition has your back.

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Although crossovers and SUVs provide some distinct advantages (presence of AWD, higher ground clearance, and uni-body construction), the market for minivans hasn’t completely died, and neither has Ford’s commitment to providing drivers with a competent and compelling option.

Good News: Ford Still Makes a Passenger Minivan

ford transit connect passenger van in solar color_oAlthough Ford’s marketing has shifted toward promoting their incredible range of crossovers and SUVs as family choices, they still offer a more traditional minivan in the Ford Transit Connect Passenger Wagon. Utilizing the same body construction as the Ford Transit cargo van, the Transit Connect Passenger Wagon features up to 7 seats, and plenty of standard safety and comfort technology.

Lower ride height (easier in and out), sliding doors and greater visibility are among the reasons people still prefer vans for transporting their families. Additionally, the more contoured shape of most crossovers (not looking at you, Ford Flex) means that vans provide better cargo room! Family of four traveling cross-state with three suitcases? A Ford Explorer should be a great option.

Family of six, with a dog and 10 bags going cross-country, however, and the Ford Transit Connect Passenger Wagon starts to look a lot more up to the job.

Ford has a sterling reputation across the spectrum of vehicles they manufacture. Although the Transit Connect Passenger Wagon isn’t among their more well-known, it’s among the most competent and best value options in the minivan class.

 

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I Wasn’t Always a Dale Jr Fan – But Now I Get It

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It was the crowning moment of the career of Nascar’s most popular driver. The 2004 Daytona 500. The chosen son, Dale Earnhardt Jr, had won the race that his father tragically died competing in only three years earlier.

Reports of the day say that everyone in the crowd was on their feet, cheering. Grown men were in tears. It was quite the moment, they say.

Well, I can tell you that there was at least one person that wasn’t cheering. That’s because I was that lone defector. (more…)

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The Essence Of 90’s Chevy Truck Commercials

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If you ever watched television for more than an hour at any time during the 90’s, you probably remember Chevy’s “Like a Rock” commercials. They aired on just about every channel, so they were pretty hard to miss—and pretty hard to forget as well. Even two decades later the sound of Bob Seger belting out those now-famous words is still shockingly memorable. (more…)

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