How Basic Is Your Car?


Melissa is a writer from a nice wooded area. Her first ride, if you don't count the albino pony, was a 1981 Dodge Diplomat. It had only two doors despite being the size of a barge and a spacious three-person bench up front.

2014 will certainly go down as the year the basic bitch rose to power, and as far as I’m concerned we are all better for it. You can scoff all you want at the brunch-Instagramming, scented candle-sniffing, about-yoga-raving women (and men) around you, but you know what? That bitch knows how to have a good time and isn’t ashamed of liking things just because other people like them. Yawn to that, anyway. So let’s embrace our inner basic bitch today (she probably smells like coconut shampoo and you know damn well you love that shit, too) and talk about cars. Maybe not the most basic bitch topic of all time, but bitches need transportation, too. The Starbucks window isn’t going to drive through itself.

Here are some signs that you’re driving a basic bitch-mobile:

  • It’s blue.
  • Your console area contains the following items: gum, a sticky air freshener thingy, and a hair tie for when you just gotta get that shit off your neck for a minute and you will probably use it to make a messy-on-purpose bun of sorts.
  • You get about 154 horsepower (but you don’t know that).
  • There’s a decal anywhere on it that you have and will continue to use the word “fun” to describe. If said decal is a stick-figure depiction of your family in descending height order, you are a basic mom bitch (your mommy blog is getting all kinds of traffic ever since your tirade about breastfeeding went semi-viral; your eldest child is very embarrassed about the whole thing and the other kids at school call her “boobytitter” now).

  • You are “so obsessed” with your heated seats.

  • Our recent article about Kim Kardashian’s car collection made you mad because you’re sick of people saying she doesn’t deserve to be famous. Whatever, they’re obvs just jealous.

  • Your key ring has a fuzzy thing on it. Or something pertaining to your zodiac sign. So Capricorn of you!

  • Somewhere in your car you have a separate pair of shoes because “you try driving in platforms.” Also you got that reference immediately.

  • One might use the word “zippy” when describing it. You certainly have.

To be sure, some of these pertain a lot more to the person driving it than the car itself. But such is the nature of the basic bitch, imbuing all aspects of her live-laugh-loving life with her basicality. You should see her bedroom. Adorbs!

If you glimpsed a bit of yourself in any of the above, there’s no need to be ashamed. Just like that thing you shared on Facebook this morning says: ~*~Love yourself first, and everything will work out as it should. ~*~

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